he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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