Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
