The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
