I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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