you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
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I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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