My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
