Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
