Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
