WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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