Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize