I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
