Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
