I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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