His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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