you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
