if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Randomize
