If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
