its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
