Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
