It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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