I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
