I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
she peed on how many people?
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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