Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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