This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
