6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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