note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
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