2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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