could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
