His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
