In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize