i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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