He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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