if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
