dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
