her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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