First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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