someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
How external is "for external use only"?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
