My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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