i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
It's shark week go big or go home
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
