Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize