its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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