I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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