I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
