I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
