I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
