I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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