The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
