Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
