The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
