I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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