I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
