I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
