I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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