happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
