I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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