The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
