The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
